Don't Waste Your Cancer

A dear friend of mine recently sent me an email message with the text from another cancer blog. It is titled, "Don't Waste Your Cancer" and I couldn't agree with it more. I wanted to re-post it here as the message is so good. Not all of us will have to personally fight cancer but we will ALL have trials of our own. As you read, I ask you to replace the word "cancer" with the personal trial you have or are now facing.

I had a friend of mine die a few months ago from cancer... his wife posted this the other day and I just had to share it with you...

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.


2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.


3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.


4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.


5. You will waste your cancer if you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.


6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.


7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.


8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.


9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.


10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.



Powerful insight. I believe this life is less about living as long as we can and more about learning to follow God's will for us. I know He loves each one of His children. We are His children. He can make more of the years we have in this life than we can. I believe it is through our trials that we grow to be like Him and overcome those things that hold us back from true happiness. I look back to my time with cancer as a positive experience because I didn't waste it. I have had a good life. A hard life, but a good life. Let us not waste our trials...

A Year

October 30, 2009 I spent the evening in the emergency room with heart attack symptoms. This year I couldn't help but be grateful for that night. I was set on the path to finding my stage 3 aggressive breast cancer and today I am living and better than I was a year ago.

Chest pain started part way through the day on Friday. I took a pain pill to be able to make it through the day. I was the Parent Organization President (like PTA President) and we had fall class parties to pull off. I felt a big responsibility to stay at school despite how I was feeling. As the last hour of the day neared and the parties began, I made my way around the school to check on each class and how things were going. The pain I was feeling had spread through my chest, down my left arm...all the typical heart attack symptoms. I tried to rationalize the pain, but was getting more and more scared. What added to the fear was that my father had died a year younger than I was at that time of a heart aneurysm. I thought I might be headed for the same thing.

After talking with Jared he decided we were going in, first to the insta-care and then to the emergency room. I had multiple EKG's, X-rays, blood tests... and nothing, no reason for the chest pain. I was released from the hospital to follow-up with my family doctor. My family doctor canceled three appointments on me while I was still having my chest pain! I was so frustrated by the last cancellation phone call that I called my gynecologist in tears not knowing what else to do. She told me to get into her office and she could at least start looking into the problem and figure out what I needed to do. As we talked, I remembered a spot on my right breast I had found. It didn't seem like what I understood cancer to feel like, but since we were looking into everything, I had her check it. She thought the same thing, that it wasn't really a concern, but she had me. For a couple of years she had been suggesting I go in for a baseline mammogram, now she could get me to do it. Because she could send it in as a diagnostic, I got an appointment right away rather than the typical 6 weeks. (Interesting enough, the chest pain subsided once the mammogram was scheduled. My first miracle).

I had a 7:00 am mammogram appointment. I didn't have to be at work until 8:30, so I didn't bother to get a sub. I figured I would be done in time and would get to school on time with no problem. I remember feeling very nervous, but the mammogram center was so calm and peaceful I relaxed and even enjoyed the experience, at least at first. The initial films were made and the radiologist left the room to check with the doctor. She came back in and said the doctor requested a few more films. I like be thorough, this was good. Then the films turned to needing an ultrasound and then a long wait. By this time I was going to be late for work and my cell phone had died. (What a day to have forgotten to charge my phone). Soon I was called back to meet with the doctor.

I walked in to a long narrow office. The room was dark. Large computer monitors lined the desk that spanned the length of the room and provided the only light. The doctor sat with his back to me at first as he looked at all the films of my breast before him. He introduced himself as Dr Mortensen and invited me to sit down in a chair facing the monitors. I sat looking at the images, dark with brilliant star like spots. They were pretty, just like star gazing on dark clear night. I was told that those "stars" were breast cancer, 5 tumors.

Just like that. I had cancer. I was stunned and not sure how to react. Then just as quickly as I heard the word C A N C E R, I felt at peace. The peace that only comes from One who has felt the pain of all the world and overcome. I felt instantly held by my Savior, Jesus Christ and I decided right then that this was in His hands and I would submit myself to His will.

I then needed to have a biopsy performed to be sure. There was a biopsy appointment cancellation so I was able to get in later that same day and with Dr. Mortensen performing the biopsy. It was nice to be able to have the same team work with me through the whole day's process.

I left the women's center and walked to the van. By that time I was numb. I somehow made my way home and called Jared at work. He came home right away and spent the rest of the day with me, taking me to the biopsy, holding my hand and hugging me close.

It was soon time to pick up the kids at school. We brought them home and called them to the living room, a room where we have read scriptures, prayed and gain strength from each others testimonies. Now it was time to put that faith to work. We talked about cancer and we cried and cried some more. Then we decided we would laugh. We would cry when we needed to, but we would laugh.

A bit later the phone rang. Jared answered it and then handed it to me to talk. As he did so, he said that the phone was going to die (the battery was low). Tia, without skipping a beat, said... "Dad, did you say the phone was going to die, or Mom was going to die?" Everyone paused and looked at me to see how I would react. I began laughing and told Tia that her joke was exactly what we needed. That set the tone. Nothing was off limits to joke about. We told our children everything along the way and gave them power to help us get through this together as a family.

A year ago I had chest pain. It led to a diagnosis I never would have asked for, but am so grateful for now. Heavenly Father is very aware of each of us and knows just what we need. It is up to us as to how we will handle it and what we will allow Him to make of or lives. It's amazing what a year can do...

It's Been Too Long

I'm not even sure where to begin. It has been so long since I have updated. I went through a time of being tired of cancer and I didn't want to deal with anything I didn't have to, including blogging. I will try and fill in the blanks over the next few weeks.

I have completed the aggressive cancer treatments! Who-hoo! I am amazed at what has happened to me over the last 8 months. And even more amazed at the fact that I am now considered a cancer survivor. To be a survivor, one has to have had cancer. I have had cancer. That is huge. I thought cancer was something bigger than I am. Something that couldn't happen to me because I wouldn't know what to do. I thought it would consume me. Cancer though, isn't picky. It got me anyway. But it didn't consume me. I AM BIGGER THAN CANCER. I beat it! I am here. I am living.

Chemo was hard. It hurt. It affected my body in ways I had no idea were even connected. I am 15 weeks post chemo and still struggle with the pain and fatigue.
Radiation was much easier for me than the chemo. My skin held up quite well for the first 4 weeks. The last two weeks I began to burn, but even that was nothing compared to the chemo effects.

A few weeks post radiation I began to get some energy back. The kids an I spent some days doing yard work and I got back to running/walking in the mornings. I felt like I was getting my life back again. It felt so good! However I began to hurt. I thought it first was just my weak muscles trying to gain strength, but the pain was more than that. It was the same pain I felt with Taxol; the deep muscle and bone pain. I pushed it for a few days, hoping to just work through it. The pain and fatigue only got worse. I talked with the nurses at the cancer center and was told I had to slow down. The chemo is still in my body and my body is still fighting.

I thought I was done. I thought I could start living for me. But I am still fighting for me. Fighting for my life. I am learning that I must be still, be patient. If I push in any small increment, I am tired and hurting the next day. All day. I've been told it will take two seasons to feel myself again and have the strength to push the way I want to. That means not until Christmas.
Christmas. A holiday that holds deep meaning for me. I had an experience about 6 years ago, just before Christmas, where I gained a deep understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Not an understanding of the mind, but of my spirit and my heart. I gained my spiritual life back in a way I didn't know I needed. This Christmas I will have gained a deeper understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ for my physical life. For I know that He suffered not just for my sins, but for my pains. He knows what I have suffered this year because he once felt what I have suffered.

Thank-you Grandpa

Cancer has given me an increased amount of time to sit and think. I have pondered the meaning of trials in our lives, from a variety of angles. Recently I spent time with my mom and two of my aunts. They reminded me of something my Grandpa used to do.

For years, while their children were young, Grandpa used to pray that his family would have "interesting lives". Grandma didn't take to this request too kindly, knowing that Heavenly Father's idea of "interesting lives" could be quite different than theirs. As their children have left home to have families of their own, and now the next generation has begun to do the same...lives have become interesting. Grandpa, who now stands with Grandma in the next life, watches as his petition is answered on the heads of his family. He is unable to defend himself as his children jokingly mock him for the trials they are blessed to endure.

Interesting lives. I wish I could talk to Grandpa and find out what his intentions were. What did he want for his children? Grandpa loved life. He loved fishing, from shallow lakes in the mountains to the depths of the ocean. He loved traveling the roads on his Honda Gold Wing or his Ford Falcon, or his RV, with Grandma right beside him. And the only thing that made it all better was experiencing it with his family. Family was his motivation for everything. And for them, he wanted "interesting lives".

Looking back over my life, it has been anything but easy. Interesting might describe it. Having lost one brother to cancer and one to a car accident, my Father to heart problems, my Grandma to cancer, and my Grandpa to Dementia related to Parkinson, while having gained a (step) Father as a teenager, not to mention the many trials my own actions landed me in, perspective is something I feel I have gained. I have learned and grown stronger as a result. On the up side, I was able to live and struggle with college room mates and missionary companions, adjust to being married just months after returning home from a mission, and having 4 children in the first 5 years of marriage. All blessings, and again all ways to struggle and grow.

And now I sit here, with what may be the trial of my life. Cancer. Where would I be now, without the "interesting life" of my past to strengthen me? And there begins my new understanding of trials. We need them. We need them so much more than we need an easy life. Our Heavenly Father's full purpose in us being here is to give us every opportunity to become like he is. He wants us to return to Him, and continue to grow and learn and have every opportunity He has. The more we gain in this life, the better off we will be in the life to come. He has promised us that he will not give us more than we can handle, but he will push us, and try us, and test us. As we turn to Jesus Christ, and rely on His strength and love for us, we can accomplish even more.

So thank-you Grandpa. Thank-you for wanting more for us. Thank-you for having the faith to ask, and the understanding to know it is for our good.

Beware of the Clear Devil

It's been far too long since I've posted anything. I'm sorry. That is in part to how I have been feeling. I have started a new chemo drug, Taxol, that is taking everything I've got. I thought Red Devil was bad...meet the Clear Devil. It's sneaky!

So what is different?

Bone Pain...deep bone pain. Imagine the pain of spraining both your ankles. Then have that same pain radiate up your legs to your hips and settle there. That's how I felt with the first dose. That's when I went back on pain meds. I (now) like pain pills...and fortunately they like me. The second dose, that same pain went from my hips and up, with sparks of pain in my legs and ankles. More pain meds.

Chemo Induced Neuropathy...continues from Red Devil. My hands first burned and itched, which we realized was the chemo breaking through the skin. One weekend when I was down in bed, Jared brought a bowl of fresh water for me to rinse my hands, every hour. (Yes, I have a good husband. The first time he rinsed the bowl out with water using his bare hands. His hands began to burn!) From there the neuropathy causes the fingers to swell and tingle and HURT. That goes along with the blistering and peeling of the skin. Now I have the pain concentrated in my fingertips and I have yellow, red, and purple fingernails that are becoming grossly misshaped . My feet are just a step behind in going through the same phases. I have to wear crocs or other thick soled shoes to be able to walk. My feet are peeling and my nails are beginning to have the same lovely manicure. The fun of it all is that I have started over with my hands burning...starting the whole process all over again. Some days I haven't been able to dress myself. Simple tasks like filing papers at school have become impossible. Holding on to the steering wheel is painful. Even trying to turn pages, or pick things up, or open containers is a huge challenge.

Toxic Tears...I tear most of the time now. And these are chemo laced tears. Sometimes I'm crying, but most of the time I look like I am. The edges of my eyelids are sore and burning. I am enduring my second sty, and I never used to get sties. Sometimes my eyes are glued shut in the morning. But there is no eye infection. No germs could live in these eyes! I am just hoping to hold on to my eye lashes. Please, just hold on!

Nose Drips...When I was told I would loose my hair, I thought of the hair on my head, maybe my eyelashes and eyebrows...of course thrilled to loose arm pit and leg hair....but I didn't think about the nose hairs! And I wouldn't have thought of what that would do. Have you ever had a runny nose? Have you ever had it for 3 months straight? Have you ever had it for 3 months with out nose hair? I was never grateful for nose hair. I am now. Those little growths we try so hard not to let show have a vital purpose. THEY SLOW DOWN THE DRIPS!!! Chemo had cleared my sinuses and it keeps clearing them. I have a constant flow...of clear liquid...from my nose. Agh! I can't go anywhere or do anything without a supply of tissues. They are in my pockets, my purse, my bags, my coats, my car, my everything! And at least one it my hand, constantly. Oh yes, I am grateful for tissues too!

Fatigue...Not that I didn't have fatigue on Red Devil, but this is constant. I don't fully bounce back like I did before. Gone are the days where I felt close to human again, if only for a few days. My body now is heavy all the time. I fight the impulse to daydream about my bed constantly. Or if I am home, to just crawl in and sleep for the day, and the next day, and the next...

I'd tell you more...but I can't remember...Oh yes, Chemo Brain! That has been a constant. I forget words or thoughts, or even whole conversations. Now, I did this before cancer, but now it's really gone. I have no connections in my brain to even dig for the missing information. It's a barren wasteland of blank, of nothingness. Gone!

I am amazed at how cancer has a way of getting into every part, every nook-n-cranny of life. Each day it's something new. But despite it all, I am grateful for the journey. I would have never known the depth of this disease. I would have never have known the heights of being carried in the midst of this disease. I would have never known my Savior with the intensity that I know HIM...without this disease. Now I KNOW....

The Bands Were Loosed

Whoohoo! I had my last treatment of the Red Devil today! Only 4 treatments left of Taxol and Chemo will be over. I can say good bye to the side affects!

While it definately hasn't been fun, chemo has not been as bad as I had anticipated. I have wondered why. How is it possible? This is chemo!! I lost my hair. I'm nauseous. I'm fatigued. I have random aches and pains throughout my body. How is it that I am so positive and happy?

An answer came to me today during treatment as I was reading from the Book of Mormon. Nephi is commanded to go with his brother from the wilderness, back to Jerusalem to get Ishmael and his family and bring them along. On the way back to the wilderness, his brothers start murmuring again and want to stay in Jerusalem. Nephi explains that the city will be destroyed because of wickedness. His brothers get angry with Nephi.


16 And it came to pass that when I, Nephi, had spoken these words unto my brethren, they were angry with me. And it came to pass that they did lay their hands upon me, for behold, they were exceedingly wroth, and they did bind me with cords, for they sought to take away my life, that they might leave me in the wilderness to be devoured by wild beasts.

17 But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound.

18 And it came to pass that when I had said these words, behold, the bands were loosed from off my feet, and I stood before my brethren, and I spake unto them again. (1 Nephi 7:17-18)

According to Nephi's faith in Jesus Christ, the band were loosed and he was able to complete the task given him. Nephi prayed to have the strength to loose the bands himself. That was not how his prayer was answered. The bands were loosed FOR him, according to his faith. I know I can't loose the bands of chemo myself. I too have been given a task and a trial to go through. Because of my faith is Jesus Christ, my bands have been loosed, or lightened, that I am able to bare them. Chemo is taking me to the very end of what I can physically bare, but spiritually I have never been stronger.

I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live. I know they are very aware of me, more so than I have ever felt it before. Each stage of this trial solidifies that knowledge, deeper and stronger. My bands have been loosed.

Loving the Hills

So the more people that know about a goal, the more likely you are to keep with it. I decided this weekend that I would start going out in the morning with Jared and Amily as they do their 1/2 marathon training. Exercise is one of the best ways to fight the fatigue and I also will be switching to my new chemo drug in 3 weeks which can affect the heart. That is two reasons to get out and get as strong as I can. I do my own route and then we meet them back at the end to walk up the hill back home together.

I started this morning with them. Well, I watch them run ahead of me...speed isn't what I am going for...just getting out there and moving is good right now. I did one of my favorite routes from the summer. It's a weave to the south that involves a few hills. I love hills much more than flats (running that is, not breasts....I'm a 50/50 split on those). I love running the hills and feeling the push to get to the top. This morning I started on the first hill as a test to see if I could still do it. I started up and soon my lungs were starting to give me trouble as they did in the summer. Then the song "Pink Warrior" started on my Ipod (thanks D. for telling me about the song!) That gave me a bit of a push and I remembered a podcast I had listen to by Elder and Sister Dalton. They talked about running together, and as a family, and how their experiences made them stronger for life. One experience they shared was when they were running together on a hill and Sister Dalton wanted to stop. She told her husband and he said "You never make decisions on the hill, keep pushing". They made it to the top and she was stronger for it. I pushed to the top of my hill this morning and it felt so good.
Some days, I won't be able to make it out. I know that. I will have to listen to my body every step of the way. When I can push, I will push. When I need sleep I will sleep. But I am young, I am strong, and I intend to stay that way. Well, I intend to stay strong...age is another story I suppose. Why is it we always feel younger inside than what the calendar says? I suppose it's just another hill.

I love the hills. Running them. Fighting them. Making it to the top. I love it.

The Downs

I have had so many up days, I guess it's time for some downs. I had to leave school early on Monday. I was so tired and couldn't function. I kept wondering how I would get through the day. Then at recess with the kids, I realized that the only information my brain could process was right in front of me. I couldn't take in any peripheral information. When helping watch 90 first graders on sleds and the playground covered in snow, peripheral vision is a necessity. At that point I realized I couldn't perform my job and help keep the kids safe, so off I went home. And slept, and slept and slept. It's Wednesday now, and I still could sleep and sleep and sleep.

I don't like sitting around doing nothing. I need to be able to move, work, accomplish. This set back has knocked me off my feet physically, but even more...emotionally. I have fought feelings of failure. I feel like I am letting my family down as well as those I work with. I see the worry in my children's eyes and that saddens me. I can tell them that I am okay, but they see, for now, that I am not. And to a child, a mommy sick is a scary thing.

I am learning that my battle isn't all going to be stubborn and strong. I'm down in the trenches of my blankets, letting my body use the energy it needs to fight from inside. And that is enough. Superwoman took a backseat this week, and not to be a backseat driver!

Wig Philosophy

I have had various people ask me if I will wear a wig. My answer is, "no". And maybe not for the reasons you might think.

Today is world wide cancer day. How many people did you see today that have cancer. You may have seen more than you think. According to the Lance Armstrong website, by the year 2030 the ratio for cancer will be 1 in 2! Did you catch that??? ONE IN TWO will be diagnosed with this disease in one form or another unless something changes. That is staggering. It becomes more of "when" I get cancer, not "if".

I went with a friend today for her first radiation treatment. A friend that was diagnosed after I was. I already have a friend sharing my battle personally. (I also have a neighbor up the hill from me that was just diagnosed, it's too many, too soon). While I sat in the waiting room, another woman came in to prep for her radiation. She was pretty emotional. She survived (I believe, breast)cancer two years ago, and it has come back in another place. She was overcome and distraught. We had a good talk in the short time before she was called in for her treatment. My heart really went out to her. I then went in for my third chemo treatment. I sat in a room full of cancer patients. I know I saw people with cancer. But who may have had it that I didn't recognize while I had lunch with my Mom or while I was at the store getting my prescriptions?

Do you know if that person standing next to you in line is wearing a wig? Is that woman with the really short hair finally able to go without her wig because she now has her own hair if only a little bit? What about the man who is bald. Is he bald by genetics? By choice? By chemo?

We just don't know. And that is the shame of it. Pink ribbons have their place. They have supported me. They have supported my friends and family at a time we really needed it. I am honored by those at school that still wear their pink ribbons for me on their lanyards each day. But I have come far enough in my battle that cancer isn't pretty in pink. It's scaring, it's bruising, is disforming, it's nauseating, it's ugly...

...And it's hidden. Hidden under a wig. Society prefers it that way. It can turn a blind eye much easier and ignore that cancer doesn't just happen to strangers, or the person across the restaurant, but it happened to me and it happen to us, and it can happen to YOU.

Think of it. If every chemo patient that lost their hair let it show...society would see how invasive it is. That would do more for cancer awareness than a boat load of pink or any other cancer awareness color.

And so I wear hats. Hats with no hair peeking out. I wear scarves that are flat on my head. And when it gets warmer, I may even be brave enough to go bald. I am my own cancer awareness campaign. I have nothing to hide. I have everything to show. Call me stubborn, but for a small time, in my own way, maybe I can make a difference. Will it be a difference in you? Are you aware enough to do something about it? Do a check, make an appointment?

You're Hurting

My oldest daughter, Amily, shared one of her poems with me. Her English class is just wrapping up their poetry segment. I was very touched. She said it's feelings from when I was first diagnosed.

You're Hurting

I walk into the room,
I see you crying.
You say everything's okay,
But I know you're lying.

I can't watch this.
How do I stop it?
"Just be strong, strong for me,
Nothing can make it quit"

Mommy you're hurting, you're hurting
I wanna stop it.

I'm trying to be strong,
Just for you.
By hiding what I'm feeling,
About what you can't do.

I know you're not going to leave,
I know it will be okay.
But it's hard to see you hurting,
Every single day.

Mommy you're hurting, you're hurting,
I wanna stop it.

Peace of Mind

I love Sundays. Especially when it is a good as it was today. Everything seemed to touch me and have a message. Though the meetings were all wonderful, the last song in Relief Society (the women's meeting) touched me the most. It is a great explanation of the power by which I have fought my battle thus far. You can hear the song by going here.

When Faith Endures

I will not doubt, I will not fear.

God's love and strength are always near.
His promised gift helps me to find,
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His spirit guides, His love assures,
That fear departs, when faith endures.

Specifically what touched me today is the phrase...peace of mind. I truly have a peace of mind. Cancer, with all it ugliness, doesn't have power over my mind and heart. My Father in Heaven has promised me that I will survive, and "His promised gift helps me to find and inner strength and peace of mind" I can look at all that I must go through as another step in the fulfillment of that promise. I also was told that this trial is for my growth, and the growth of my family. Purpose is another powerful tool. By knowing the purpose, I can then focus on the growth I am to achieve.

I can see already that I am growing. I can also see growth in my family. I love who we are becoming. Cancer is already a blessing. I have desires to accomplish things now that I wouldn't have considered in the past.

My knowledge of spiritual things has grown. I have come to understand by experience that there is a language of the Spirit of God that is not understood or explained by any earthly language. My eyes couldn't not see God and tell my heart anymore than I already know by the Spirit. I can say that I KNOW God lives. I KNOW Jesus Christ suffered my pain and died for me, and that He lives today to carry me. I KNOW that this life is for us to become more refined and more faithful, more humble and more teachable, more like Jesus Christ in all His attributes.

Hair by Cancer, Strong by Choice

So my journey continues with cancer. The next new phase was the hair. The first step was making the call to my friend Marina to have it cut short. That call was a hard one to make. My hair represented a new lifestyle that Jared and I work hard on this summer with our running and eating healthy. The layers in my hair had grown out just enough to be able to pull all my hair back in a ponytail without clips. I loved it! I worked for it, and now cancer was taking it away.
Marina was wonderful at keeping me talking and distracted during the cut. Just what I needed. It was fun to catch up on the Wellsville happenings and the changes in ward boundaries in the 2 two years we've been gone.
So here I am with my cute short do.
I've had a few good weeks with my new hair do, having fun with a new look. And then came day 12 after my first chemo treatment. My hair began letting go. I could pull handfuls out at a time. Then I took a shower...and clog the drain...for 4 days in a row! Here is what I would have to clean out after each shower.
Friday I wore a scarf across the front of my hair to help hold it all in and not shed on the little first graders I work with. It was a fun sassy look to play with. Saturday I wore a hat to the mall, while we tried to find some appropriate scarves for church. We ended up at Joannes buying fabric. And that worked well.

Later that night we had a family hair shaving party. First I shaved Jordan and Jared's hair, cut Tia's and then everyone (minus Jordan who then fell asleep, deeply) cut and shaved my head. I was amazed at how it really didn't affect me. I have really come to find that I am not a vain person. There is more to this than loosing my femininity. In fact It's more about finding it.







This morning while getting ready for church, I took a good look at my bald head in the mirror and asked Jared why this wasn't bothering me. And then it hit me. I have seen pictures of women who are in this same battle, they are bald, they are fighting, and they are STRONG! And I have joined their ranks. Jared says it makes me look stronger, not weaker. That's how I feel. I am again awed by what I must go through, and the person that I am becoming through it. I am once again grateful for my cancer trial.

Here are Jared and I in our matching Sunday attire.



















Me with my boys and our matching hairdos.

Jen Blossoms

I thought I would report on how the first round of chemo has affected me as I count down the days to my second treatment on Thursday. If I have another repeat of the same side effects this next round, I will be a very happy patient.

The day of my first treatment, and the next few following hit me with a low level of nausea. As long as I kept food in my tummy, it never got bad. I had a regime of anti nausea drugs to take and another to take as needed. I never had the need to warrant taking any of the "as needed" pills.

I did have various pains through out my body. It's as if the chemo drugs are in one lump and travel from place to place affecting here a little and there a little. I also had a cold feeling deep inside for the first couple days. It didn't matter how warm I was on the outside, I was cold inside.

The biggest issue has been what feels like a chemical burn on my scalp. It started Monday morning when I woke up feeling like I had a tight little pony-tail on the front right side of my head all night. Problem was, there was no pony-tail to take out and relieve the pain. The rest of the day, more painful spots covered my head till my entire scalp burned. Tuesday the burn spread to the inside of my mouth and then from my ankles to my thighs. I thought by Wednesday morning I would be burning head to toe, and that just about did my stubborn and strong attitude in. However I slept well and woke up with only the burning scalp. That I can handle.

My energy level has been good. I have taken care to rest, and nap when possible, after school each day, but I have been able to do just about everything I have wanted to. Saturday we went to SLC and walked around the car show for a few hours and then to IKEA. I forgot my pedometer, I really wanted to know how far I walked. Regardless, my energy stayed up throughout the day, but I sure had one good long nap on the ride home!

The burn on my scalp has eased, but not before also turning into pimples all through my hair, across by upper back and chest...and moving to my face. And thus, My Jen Blossoms. Gin blossoms usually happen with drinking alcohol...mine from my chemo cocktail...but Jen Blossoms none the less.

First Chemo Cocktail Party

So the day started out heavy and emotional. I no longer feared the chemo or the unknown so much. The reality of being a cancer patient, however, was showing it's weight again. As my cancer manifesto states...other people get cancer. Not me. But I have it.... And now I get to be sick from it.

Jared drove me to the appointment. We sat in the waiting room together...waiting. It was plenty of time to lay my head on his shoulder...then he wrapped his arm around my shoulder...then I cried on his shoulder. The receptionist came over to ask a question, and caught us. She caught my tears. She was very sensitive and understood how heavy this next step can be. Then she promised they would take good care of me, and that they did.

Finally they called my name and back we went for vitals, clean and tap into my port, and take some blood. They have a cream to help numb the port sight for the needle poke, but it takes 45 minutes to work. I have it now for upcoming visits. For today I got the numbing freeze spray like is used for having a wart removed. Though it had it's own sting, I am grateful for it. It took all but the last bit of the poke away, and that was enough to know I don't want to do it natural.

I then was moved in for the cocktail party. We went to a round room lined with recliners and IV poles. I chose a comfy brown chair and settled in with Jared by my side. Julie, my nurse, started me out with Benedryl and Steroid shots in the IV...and then came the first bag...Adriamycin...Kool Aid as it is called by some nurses...and Red Devil as it is called by the patients who have felt it's fury. Among causing the hair loss, it is also responsible for low blood counts, mouth sores, and discolored nails and urine. (I never knew cancer was so colorful...in the hospital I peed turquoise and now I have peed red).

As I was all settled, Jared headed back to work for a meeting. For the duration of the time, I sat in the room with about 6 other patients. They all were older than I except for one Downs Syndrome young man named Gary. He was wrapped pretty tightly in a blanket with his mother right by his side the whole time. He seemed pretty low. I never heard one noise from him. Knowing my cousin Scotty, Downs kids love to talk and pull others to them. Turns out, this was his last chemo treatment. It was quite the party with his parents, sister, and the nurses. Everyone was celebrating, but Gary. I think he just wanted have this yuck, that he didn't understand, to go away and never come back.

The other patients didn't seem to have the energy or desire to say much as well. It was interesting being in a room as the youngest patient (at least after Gary got to go home). It just reminded me of the uniqueness of the timing of my cancer. Please, all my family and friends, do your self exams. Husbands of these great women...check them yourselves if you have to! The government and their panel of "experts" aren't interested anymore...don't let that stop you! And don't let the fear of finding a lump stop you!

After the Red Devil came a clear chemo drug IV, Cytoxan. It too causes hair loss, but not so bad on the other side effects. What I did notice toward the end of the bag was a numbing of the tip of my tongue and the very center of my top and bottom lip. Since then I have had this cold feeling inside my body, even when plenty warm on the outside. I also have had achy elbows. The nausea did hit after my nap, but not enough to cause eruptions of any kind. When dinner was brought in by our dear Relief Society Presidency, I realized my tummy was empty and just might do better if it had a bit of food. The gamble paid off. Dinner was wonderful and I have been feeling great! So much so, I am full of energy but need to go to bed!

After the chemo treatments were done, Jared came and got me. He had a plate of melon and strawberries for me, which tasted wonderful. We then went and picked up my prescriptions to start my own pharmacy here at home. I have always had a little pride that I have not had much beyond vitamins to take in my life. I am humble yet again.

We survived the day. I plan to go to work tomorrow and stick with my plans until something I can't get over, under, or around stops me. Life is good and I don't intend to miss it!