My surgery will be December 7th here at the Logan Regional Hospital. I will be staying overnight and then recover the 2-3 weeks at home. The chemotherapy will also be performed here in Logan, as well as radiation therapy should that be needed. Logan has a new Cancer Center located on the east side of the hospital. It has the latest in equipment and techniques and works closely with the Huntsman Cancer Center at McKay Dee Hospital. It will be nice to have my very own bed so close to my treatments.
We met with Dr. Weiss again today. The surgery is scheduled for December 7. I will be fighting a different attack... my own Pearl Harbor of sorts. Chemotherapy will begin 3-6 weeks after that. So here we are. We did the pre-op today as well, paper work, more blood work, etc. Sometimes people talk about signing their life away as they purchase a car or a house. Today, I signed my breast away. I authorized it's removal. It has done nothing wrong. It was attacked. I was attacked. My own Pearl harbor. And so the war begins.
I have found an interesting consistency in my half asleep mode. I am scared. As I very first wake-up and assess my reality, my first thought is..."I have breast cancer", and fear fills my body. That of course wakes me right up, and then the reassurance of what I know and what I have been told fills the empty fear, and I am at peace again. What would I do without my Savior and the knowledge I have that he has already suffered what I am about to suffer. He knows my pain. One of my favorite verses in all of scripture gives me that assurance. 10 And behold, he shall be born of Mary, at Jerusalem which is the land of our forefathers, she being a virgin, a precious and chosen vessel, who shall be overshadowed and conceive by the power of the Holy Ghost, and bring forth a son, yea, even the Son of God.
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Book of Mormon, Alma 7:10-12)
Jared's great Auntie Barbra is a 10 year breast cancer survivor. She also is a world traveler. I love to sit and talk with her. She has a unique perspective. I received an email from her this week, offering, of course, her love and support as someone who really knows. She mentioned to me, that one thing that helped her, was to picture an army attacking the cancer cells. I've been toying with that, and trying to come up with what type of army should attack my cancer cells.
Jordan was needing something to do Friday evening. He has been the one who has taken this new trial the hardest, at least outwardly. He also LOVES building with Legos. I told him about Autie's suggestion, and he went to work creating an army for me.
He has his little lego men with weapons attacking the blobs of legos which are the cancer cells. The lego men with their hands up are also cancer cells surrendering. The tank with the long green tube on the end is a needle with chemotherapy drugs.
I love my son. And he really loves me. It breaks my heart that he has to go through this too, but he will be so strong when it's all over. I love you Jordan!
Jared made the comment yesterday that it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving time. It doesn't have the same feeling the season usually has. We have, of course, been a bit preoccupied this last week. However, I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my blessings. Those things that mean the most to me are a bit different this year. There are always the top 5...My God, My Savior, My Husband, My Children and Family, and My Friends. But my list has some new stars on the stage of my heart. They will be key performers in my battle ahead.
I am grateful for Cancer. Wow. Did I really say that? It is a part of me now, and it is not just some scary thing attacking me inside. It's part of who I am, and who I will always be, for it has provided the path for who I am to come.
The older I get, and the more experiences I have, the more I am grateful for Trials. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to loose family members in my lifetime. I have lost my Dad, two brothers, and my grandparents. That loss has been my gain. Because of the strength and perspective I received from those trials, I am better able to live the life I have.
I am grateful for the Power of Prayer in My Behalf. Many of you reading this have contributed to the power I feel. I never understood it before cancer. Now I KNOW. The power of prayer is real. I had one friend that asked me if it would be OK if she put my name on the list for the prayer group they have at their church. I was honored by her request. We are not of the same faith, but we are children of the same God, and He hears us all as His children. Bring on the prayers! I feel it...and my cancer feels it!
Jared is right, the feeling is not the same this Thanksgiving. And I think we will come to be grateful that it is different.
PS...here is a great video clip on gratitude. It's fun to listen to the variety of answers off the streets of New York City. We really aren't that different.
We met with the surgeon yesterday. Dr. Bartley Weiss. I like him. He has a strong, deep, caring voice, and he knows his stuff.
My diagnosis is high grade invasive carcinoma of the breast with focal perineural tumor invasion with indefinite lymphovascular tumor invasion. In English? I have a fast growing, multiple tumor breast cancer, but it is just within my right breast. No tests show that it has spread to my lymphnodes. (This indicates a stage 2 cancer) We won't know for sure until they opperate and do one more look to be sure.
There is a bright side to all this. There are 3 things they test for to help determine how my body will respond to treatment. Estrogen receptor assasy, progesterone receptor assay, and HER2 assay by herceptest. Testing positive in this case is a good thing. Most patients are positive for one or two. I am positive for all the three. The last one, herceptest, specificly is a new development. Following treatment, I will be on one med (don't have the name yet) for one year. It will cut my chances of a reacurrance by 50%. The positive herceptest indicates my body is set well to respond to this med. Dr. Weiss hinted that I was one of few, if not the only one he has seen test positive for all three. He is very optimistic.
Now for what we are going to do about it. This gets heavier, but it's what we already felt would be the case. I will have to have a mastectomy and chemotherapy. But after it all, I will live, and it will be worth it.
