Cancer has given me an increased amount of time to sit and think. I have pondered the meaning of trials in our lives, from a variety of angles. Recently I spent time with my mom and two of my aunts. They reminded me of something my Grandpa used to do.
For years, while their children were young, Grandpa used to pray that his family would have "interesting lives". Grandma didn't take to this request too kindly, knowing that Heavenly Father's idea of "interesting lives" could be quite different than theirs. As their children have left home to have families of their own, and now the next generation has begun to do the same...lives have become interesting. Grandpa, who now stands with Grandma in the next life, watches as his petition is answered on the heads of his family. He is unable to defend himself as his children jokingly mock him for the trials they are blessed to endure.
Interesting lives. I wish I could talk to Grandpa and find out what his intentions were. What did he want for his children? Grandpa loved life. He loved fishing, from shallow lakes in the mountains to the depths of the ocean. He loved traveling the roads on his Honda Gold Wing or his Ford Falcon, or his RV, with Grandma right beside him. And the only thing that made it all better was experiencing it with his family. Family was his motivation for everything. And for them, he wanted "interesting lives".
Looking back over my life, it has been anything but easy. Interesting might describe it. Having lost one brother to cancer and one to a car accident, my Father to heart problems, my Grandma to cancer, and my Grandpa to Dementia related to Parkinson, while having gained a (step) Father as a teenager, not to mention the many trials my own actions landed me in, perspective is something I feel I have gained. I have learned and grown stronger as a result. On the up side, I was able to live and struggle with college room mates and missionary companions, adjust to being married just months after returning home from a mission, and having 4 children in the first 5 years of marriage. All blessings, and again all ways to struggle and grow.
And now I sit here, with what may be the trial of my life. Cancer. Where would I be now, without the "interesting life" of my past to strengthen me? And there begins my new understanding of trials. We need them. We need them so much more than we need an easy life. Our Heavenly Father's full purpose in us being here is to give us every opportunity to become like he is. He wants us to return to Him, and continue to grow and learn and have every opportunity He has. The more we gain in this life, the better off we will be in the life to come. He has promised us that he will not give us more than we can handle, but he will push us, and try us, and test us. As we turn to Jesus Christ, and rely on His strength and love for us, we can accomplish even more.
So thank-you Grandpa. Thank-you for wanting more for us. Thank-you for having the faith to ask, and the understanding to know it is for our good.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Beware of the Clear Devil
It's been far too long since I've posted anything. I'm sorry. That is in part to how I have been feeling. I have started a new chemo drug, Taxol, that is taking everything I've got. I thought Red Devil was bad...meet the Clear Devil. It's sneaky!
So what is different?
Bone Pain...deep bone pain. Imagine the pain of spraining both your ankles. Then have that same pain radiate up your legs to your hips and settle there. That's how I felt with the first dose. That's when I went back on pain meds. I (now) like pain pills...and fortunately they like me. The second dose, that same pain went from my hips and up, with sparks of pain in my legs and ankles. More pain meds.
Chemo Induced Neuropathy...continues from Red Devil. My hands first burned and itched, which we realized was the chemo breaking through the skin. One weekend when I was down in bed, Jared brought a bowl of fresh water for me to rinse my hands, every hour. (Yes, I have a good husband. The first time he rinsed the bowl out with water using his bare hands. His hands began to burn!) From there the neuropathy causes the fingers to swell and tingle and HURT. That goes along with the blistering and peeling of the skin. Now I have the pain concentrated in my fingertips and I have yellow, red, and purple fingernails that are becoming grossly misshaped . My feet are just a step behind in going through the same phases. I have to wear crocs or other thick soled shoes to be able to walk. My feet are peeling and my nails are beginning to have the same lovely manicure. The fun of it all is that I have started over with my hands burning...starting the whole process all over again. Some days I haven't been able to dress myself. Simple tasks like filing papers at school have become impossible. Holding on to the steering wheel is painful. Even trying to turn pages, or pick things up, or open containers is a huge challenge.
Toxic Tears...I tear most of the time now. And these are chemo laced tears. Sometimes I'm crying, but most of the time I look like I am. The edges of my eyelids are sore and burning. I am enduring my second sty, and I never used to get sties. Sometimes my eyes are glued shut in the morning. But there is no eye infection. No germs could live in these eyes! I am just hoping to hold on to my eye lashes. Please, just hold on!
Nose Drips...When I was told I would loose my hair, I thought of the hair on my head, maybe my eyelashes and eyebrows...of course thrilled to loose arm pit and leg hair....but I didn't think about the nose hairs! And I wouldn't have thought of what that would do. Have you ever had a runny nose? Have you ever had it for 3 months straight? Have you ever had it for 3 months with out nose hair? I was never grateful for nose hair. I am now. Those little growths we try so hard not to let show have a vital purpose. THEY SLOW DOWN THE DRIPS!!! Chemo had cleared my sinuses and it keeps clearing them. I have a constant flow...of clear liquid...from my nose. Agh! I can't go anywhere or do anything without a supply of tissues. They are in my pockets, my purse, my bags, my coats, my car, my everything! And at least one it my hand, constantly. Oh yes, I am grateful for tissues too!
Fatigue...Not that I didn't have fatigue on Red Devil, but this is constant. I don't fully bounce back like I did before. Gone are the days where I felt close to human again, if only for a few days. My body now is heavy all the time. I fight the impulse to daydream about my bed constantly. Or if I am home, to just crawl in and sleep for the day, and the next day, and the next...
I'd tell you more...but I can't remember...Oh yes, Chemo Brain! That has been a constant. I forget words or thoughts, or even whole conversations. Now, I did this before cancer, but now it's really gone. I have no connections in my brain to even dig for the missing information. It's a barren wasteland of blank, of nothingness. Gone!
I am amazed at how cancer has a way of getting into every part, every nook-n-cranny of life. Each day it's something new. But despite it all, I am grateful for the journey. I would have never known the depth of this disease. I would have never have known the heights of being carried in the midst of this disease. I would have never known my Savior with the intensity that I know HIM...without this disease. Now I KNOW....
So what is different?
Bone Pain...deep bone pain. Imagine the pain of spraining both your ankles. Then have that same pain radiate up your legs to your hips and settle there. That's how I felt with the first dose. That's when I went back on pain meds. I (now) like pain pills...and fortunately they like me. The second dose, that same pain went from my hips and up, with sparks of pain in my legs and ankles. More pain meds.
Chemo Induced Neuropathy...continues from Red Devil. My hands first burned and itched, which we realized was the chemo breaking through the skin. One weekend when I was down in bed, Jared brought a bowl of fresh water for me to rinse my hands, every hour. (Yes, I have a good husband. The first time he rinsed the bowl out with water using his bare hands. His hands began to burn!) From there the neuropathy causes the fingers to swell and tingle and HURT. That goes along with the blistering and peeling of the skin. Now I have the pain concentrated in my fingertips and I have yellow, red, and purple fingernails that are becoming grossly misshaped . My feet are just a step behind in going through the same phases. I have to wear crocs or other thick soled shoes to be able to walk. My feet are peeling and my nails are beginning to have the same lovely manicure. The fun of it all is that I have started over with my hands burning...starting the whole process all over again. Some days I haven't been able to dress myself. Simple tasks like filing papers at school have become impossible. Holding on to the steering wheel is painful. Even trying to turn pages, or pick things up, or open containers is a huge challenge.
Toxic Tears...I tear most of the time now. And these are chemo laced tears. Sometimes I'm crying, but most of the time I look like I am. The edges of my eyelids are sore and burning. I am enduring my second sty, and I never used to get sties. Sometimes my eyes are glued shut in the morning. But there is no eye infection. No germs could live in these eyes! I am just hoping to hold on to my eye lashes. Please, just hold on!
Nose Drips...When I was told I would loose my hair, I thought of the hair on my head, maybe my eyelashes and eyebrows...of course thrilled to loose arm pit and leg hair....but I didn't think about the nose hairs! And I wouldn't have thought of what that would do. Have you ever had a runny nose? Have you ever had it for 3 months straight? Have you ever had it for 3 months with out nose hair? I was never grateful for nose hair. I am now. Those little growths we try so hard not to let show have a vital purpose. THEY SLOW DOWN THE DRIPS!!! Chemo had cleared my sinuses and it keeps clearing them. I have a constant flow...of clear liquid...from my nose. Agh! I can't go anywhere or do anything without a supply of tissues. They are in my pockets, my purse, my bags, my coats, my car, my everything! And at least one it my hand, constantly. Oh yes, I am grateful for tissues too!
Fatigue...Not that I didn't have fatigue on Red Devil, but this is constant. I don't fully bounce back like I did before. Gone are the days where I felt close to human again, if only for a few days. My body now is heavy all the time. I fight the impulse to daydream about my bed constantly. Or if I am home, to just crawl in and sleep for the day, and the next day, and the next...
I'd tell you more...but I can't remember...Oh yes, Chemo Brain! That has been a constant. I forget words or thoughts, or even whole conversations. Now, I did this before cancer, but now it's really gone. I have no connections in my brain to even dig for the missing information. It's a barren wasteland of blank, of nothingness. Gone!
I am amazed at how cancer has a way of getting into every part, every nook-n-cranny of life. Each day it's something new. But despite it all, I am grateful for the journey. I would have never known the depth of this disease. I would have never have known the heights of being carried in the midst of this disease. I would have never known my Savior with the intensity that I know HIM...without this disease. Now I KNOW....
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Bands Were Loosed
Whoohoo! I had my last treatment of the Red Devil today! Only 4 treatments left of Taxol and Chemo will be over. I can say good bye to the side affects!
While it definately hasn't been fun, chemo has not been as bad as I had anticipated. I have wondered why. How is it possible? This is chemo!! I lost my hair. I'm nauseous. I'm fatigued. I have random aches and pains throughout my body. How is it that I am so positive and happy?
An answer came to me today during treatment as I was reading from the Book of Mormon. Nephi is commanded to go with his brother from the wilderness, back to Jerusalem to get Ishmael and his family and bring them along. On the way back to the wilderness, his brothers start murmuring again and want to stay in Jerusalem. Nephi explains that the city will be destroyed because of wickedness. His brothers get angry with Nephi.
16 And it came to pass that when I, Nephi, had spoken these words unto my brethren, they were angry with me. And it came to pass that they did lay their hands upon me, for behold, they were exceedingly wroth, and they did bind me with cords, for they sought to take away my life, that they might leave me in the wilderness to be devoured by wild beasts.
While it definately hasn't been fun, chemo has not been as bad as I had anticipated. I have wondered why. How is it possible? This is chemo!! I lost my hair. I'm nauseous. I'm fatigued. I have random aches and pains throughout my body. How is it that I am so positive and happy?
An answer came to me today during treatment as I was reading from the Book of Mormon. Nephi is commanded to go with his brother from the wilderness, back to Jerusalem to get Ishmael and his family and bring them along. On the way back to the wilderness, his brothers start murmuring again and want to stay in Jerusalem. Nephi explains that the city will be destroyed because of wickedness. His brothers get angry with Nephi.
16 And it came to pass that when I, Nephi, had spoken these words unto my brethren, they were angry with me. And it came to pass that they did lay their hands upon me, for behold, they were exceedingly wroth, and they did bind me with cords, for they sought to take away my life, that they might leave me in the wilderness to be devoured by wild beasts.
17 But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound.
18 And it came to pass that when I had said these words, behold, the bands were loosed from off my feet, and I stood before my brethren, and I spake unto them again. (1 Nephi 7:17-18)
According to Nephi's faith in Jesus Christ, the band were loosed and he was able to complete the task given him. Nephi prayed to have the strength to loose the bands himself. That was not how his prayer was answered. The bands were loosed FOR him, according to his faith. I know I can't loose the bands of chemo myself. I too have been given a task and a trial to go through. Because of my faith is Jesus Christ, my bands have been loosed, or lightened, that I am able to bare them. Chemo is taking me to the very end of what I can physically bare, but spiritually I have never been stronger.
I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live. I know they are very aware of me, more so than I have ever felt it before. Each stage of this trial solidifies that knowledge, deeper and stronger. My bands have been loosed.
According to Nephi's faith in Jesus Christ, the band were loosed and he was able to complete the task given him. Nephi prayed to have the strength to loose the bands himself. That was not how his prayer was answered. The bands were loosed FOR him, according to his faith. I know I can't loose the bands of chemo myself. I too have been given a task and a trial to go through. Because of my faith is Jesus Christ, my bands have been loosed, or lightened, that I am able to bare them. Chemo is taking me to the very end of what I can physically bare, but spiritually I have never been stronger.
I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live. I know they are very aware of me, more so than I have ever felt it before. Each stage of this trial solidifies that knowledge, deeper and stronger. My bands have been loosed.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Loving the Hills
So the more people that know about a goal, the more likely you are to keep with it. I decided this weekend that I would start going out in the morning with Jared and Amily as they do their 1/2 marathon training. Exercise is one of the best ways to fight the fatigue and I also will be switching to my new chemo drug in 3 weeks which can affect the heart. That is two reasons to get out and get as strong as I can. I do my own route and then we meet them back at the end to walk up the hill back home together.
I started this morning with them. Well, I watch them run ahead of me...speed isn't what I am going for...just getting out there and moving is good right now. I did one of my favorite routes from the summer. It's a weave to the south that involves a few hills. I love hills much more than flats (running that is, not breasts....I'm a 50/50 split on those). I love running the hills and feeling the push to get to the top. This morning I started on the first hill as a test to see if I could still do it. I started up and soon my lungs were starting to give me trouble as they did in the summer. Then the song "Pink Warrior" started on my Ipod (thanks D. for telling me about the song!) That gave me a bit of a push and I remembered a podcast I had listen to by Elder and Sister Dalton. They talked about running together, and as a family, and how their experiences made them stronger for life. One experience they shared was when they were running together on a hill and Sister Dalton wanted to stop. She told her husband and he said "You never make decisions on the hill, keep pushing". They made it to the top and she was stronger for it. I pushed to the top of my hill this morning and it felt so good.
Some days, I won't be able to make it out. I know that. I will have to listen to my body every step of the way. When I can push, I will push. When I need sleep I will sleep. But I am young, I am strong, and I intend to stay that way. Well, I intend to stay strong...age is another story I suppose. Why is it we always feel younger inside than what the calendar says? I suppose it's just another hill.
I love the hills. Running them. Fighting them. Making it to the top. I love it.
I started this morning with them. Well, I watch them run ahead of me...speed isn't what I am going for...just getting out there and moving is good right now. I did one of my favorite routes from the summer. It's a weave to the south that involves a few hills. I love hills much more than flats (running that is, not breasts....I'm a 50/50 split on those). I love running the hills and feeling the push to get to the top. This morning I started on the first hill as a test to see if I could still do it. I started up and soon my lungs were starting to give me trouble as they did in the summer. Then the song "Pink Warrior" started on my Ipod (thanks D. for telling me about the song!) That gave me a bit of a push and I remembered a podcast I had listen to by Elder and Sister Dalton. They talked about running together, and as a family, and how their experiences made them stronger for life. One experience they shared was when they were running together on a hill and Sister Dalton wanted to stop. She told her husband and he said "You never make decisions on the hill, keep pushing". They made it to the top and she was stronger for it. I pushed to the top of my hill this morning and it felt so good.
Some days, I won't be able to make it out. I know that. I will have to listen to my body every step of the way. When I can push, I will push. When I need sleep I will sleep. But I am young, I am strong, and I intend to stay that way. Well, I intend to stay strong...age is another story I suppose. Why is it we always feel younger inside than what the calendar says? I suppose it's just another hill.
I love the hills. Running them. Fighting them. Making it to the top. I love it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Downs
I have had so many up days, I guess it's time for some downs. I had to leave school early on Monday. I was so tired and couldn't function. I kept wondering how I would get through the day. Then at recess with the kids, I realized that the only information my brain could process was right in front of me. I couldn't take in any peripheral information. When helping watch 90 first graders on sleds and the playground covered in snow, peripheral vision is a necessity. At that point I realized I couldn't perform my job and help keep the kids safe, so off I went home. And slept, and slept and slept. It's Wednesday now, and I still could sleep and sleep and sleep.
I don't like sitting around doing nothing. I need to be able to move, work, accomplish. This set back has knocked me off my feet physically, but even more...emotionally. I have fought feelings of failure. I feel like I am letting my family down as well as those I work with. I see the worry in my children's eyes and that saddens me. I can tell them that I am okay, but they see, for now, that I am not. And to a child, a mommy sick is a scary thing.
I am learning that my battle isn't all going to be stubborn and strong. I'm down in the trenches of my blankets, letting my body use the energy it needs to fight from inside. And that is enough. Superwoman took a backseat this week, and not to be a backseat driver!
I don't like sitting around doing nothing. I need to be able to move, work, accomplish. This set back has knocked me off my feet physically, but even more...emotionally. I have fought feelings of failure. I feel like I am letting my family down as well as those I work with. I see the worry in my children's eyes and that saddens me. I can tell them that I am okay, but they see, for now, that I am not. And to a child, a mommy sick is a scary thing.
I am learning that my battle isn't all going to be stubborn and strong. I'm down in the trenches of my blankets, letting my body use the energy it needs to fight from inside. And that is enough. Superwoman took a backseat this week, and not to be a backseat driver!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wig Philosophy
I have had various people ask me if I will wear a wig. My answer is, "no". And maybe not for the reasons you might think.
Today is world wide cancer day. How many people did you see today that have cancer. You may have seen more than you think. According to the Lance Armstrong website, by the year 2030 the ratio for cancer will be 1 in 2! Did you catch that??? ONE IN TWO will be diagnosed with this disease in one form or another unless something changes. That is staggering. It becomes more of "when" I get cancer, not "if".
I went with a friend today for her first radiation treatment. A friend that was diagnosed after I was. I already have a friend sharing my battle personally. (I also have a neighbor up the hill from me that was just diagnosed, it's too many, too soon). While I sat in the waiting room, another woman came in to prep for her radiation. She was pretty emotional. She survived (I believe, breast)cancer two years ago, and it has come back in another place. She was overcome and distraught. We had a good talk in the short time before she was called in for her treatment. My heart really went out to her. I then went in for my third chemo treatment. I sat in a room full of cancer patients. I know I saw people with cancer. But who may have had it that I didn't recognize while I had lunch with my Mom or while I was at the store getting my prescriptions?
Do you know if that person standing next to you in line is wearing a wig? Is that woman with the really short hair finally able to go without her wig because she now has her own hair if only a little bit? What about the man who is bald. Is he bald by genetics? By choice? By chemo?
We just don't know. And that is the shame of it. Pink ribbons have their place. They have supported me. They have supported my friends and family at a time we really needed it. I am honored by those at school that still wear their pink ribbons for me on their lanyards each day. But I have come far enough in my battle that cancer isn't pretty in pink. It's scaring, it's bruising, is disforming, it's nauseating, it's ugly...
...And it's hidden. Hidden under a wig. Society prefers it that way. It can turn a blind eye much easier and ignore that cancer doesn't just happen to strangers, or the person across the restaurant, but it happened to me and it happen to us, and it can happen to YOU.
Think of it. If every chemo patient that lost their hair let it show...society would see how invasive it is. That would do more for cancer awareness than a boat load of pink or any other cancer awareness color.
And so I wear hats. Hats with no hair peeking out. I wear scarves that are flat on my head. And when it gets warmer, I may even be brave enough to go bald. I am my own cancer awareness campaign. I have nothing to hide. I have everything to show. Call me stubborn, but for a small time, in my own way, maybe I can make a difference. Will it be a difference in you? Are you aware enough to do something about it? Do a check, make an appointment?
Today is world wide cancer day. How many people did you see today that have cancer. You may have seen more than you think. According to the Lance Armstrong website, by the year 2030 the ratio for cancer will be 1 in 2! Did you catch that??? ONE IN TWO will be diagnosed with this disease in one form or another unless something changes. That is staggering. It becomes more of "when" I get cancer, not "if".
I went with a friend today for her first radiation treatment. A friend that was diagnosed after I was. I already have a friend sharing my battle personally. (I also have a neighbor up the hill from me that was just diagnosed, it's too many, too soon). While I sat in the waiting room, another woman came in to prep for her radiation. She was pretty emotional. She survived (I believe, breast)cancer two years ago, and it has come back in another place. She was overcome and distraught. We had a good talk in the short time before she was called in for her treatment. My heart really went out to her. I then went in for my third chemo treatment. I sat in a room full of cancer patients. I know I saw people with cancer. But who may have had it that I didn't recognize while I had lunch with my Mom or while I was at the store getting my prescriptions?
Do you know if that person standing next to you in line is wearing a wig? Is that woman with the really short hair finally able to go without her wig because she now has her own hair if only a little bit? What about the man who is bald. Is he bald by genetics? By choice? By chemo?
We just don't know. And that is the shame of it. Pink ribbons have their place. They have supported me. They have supported my friends and family at a time we really needed it. I am honored by those at school that still wear their pink ribbons for me on their lanyards each day. But I have come far enough in my battle that cancer isn't pretty in pink. It's scaring, it's bruising, is disforming, it's nauseating, it's ugly...
...And it's hidden. Hidden under a wig. Society prefers it that way. It can turn a blind eye much easier and ignore that cancer doesn't just happen to strangers, or the person across the restaurant, but it happened to me and it happen to us, and it can happen to YOU.
Think of it. If every chemo patient that lost their hair let it show...society would see how invasive it is. That would do more for cancer awareness than a boat load of pink or any other cancer awareness color.
And so I wear hats. Hats with no hair peeking out. I wear scarves that are flat on my head. And when it gets warmer, I may even be brave enough to go bald. I am my own cancer awareness campaign. I have nothing to hide. I have everything to show. Call me stubborn, but for a small time, in my own way, maybe I can make a difference. Will it be a difference in you? Are you aware enough to do something about it? Do a check, make an appointment?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
You're Hurting
My oldest daughter, Amily, shared one of her poems with me. Her English class is just wrapping up their poetry segment. I was very touched. She said it's feelings from when I was first diagnosed.
You're Hurting
I walk into the room,
I see you crying.
You say everything's okay,
But I know you're lying.
I can't watch this.
How do I stop it?
"Just be strong, strong for me,
Nothing can make it quit"
Mommy you're hurting, you're hurting
I wanna stop it.
I'm trying to be strong,
Just for you.
By hiding what I'm feeling,
About what you can't do.
I know you're not going to leave,
I know it will be okay.
But it's hard to see you hurting,
Every single day.
Mommy you're hurting, you're hurting,
I wanna stop it.
I walk into the room,
I see you crying.
You say everything's okay,
But I know you're lying.
I can't watch this.
How do I stop it?
"Just be strong, strong for me,
Nothing can make it quit"
Mommy you're hurting, you're hurting
I wanna stop it.
I'm trying to be strong,
Just for you.
By hiding what I'm feeling,
About what you can't do.
I know you're not going to leave,
I know it will be okay.
But it's hard to see you hurting,
Every single day.
Mommy you're hurting, you're hurting,
I wanna stop it.
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