I have had so many up days, I guess it's time for some downs. I had to leave school early on Monday. I was so tired and couldn't function. I kept wondering how I would get through the day. Then at recess with the kids, I realized that the only information my brain could process was right in front of me. I couldn't take in any peripheral information. When helping watch 90 first graders on sleds and the playground covered in snow, peripheral vision is a necessity. At that point I realized I couldn't perform my job and help keep the kids safe, so off I went home. And slept, and slept and slept. It's Wednesday now, and I still could sleep and sleep and sleep.
I don't like sitting around doing nothing. I need to be able to move, work, accomplish. This set back has knocked me off my feet physically, but even more...emotionally. I have fought feelings of failure. I feel like I am letting my family down as well as those I work with. I see the worry in my children's eyes and that saddens me. I can tell them that I am okay, but they see, for now, that I am not. And to a child, a mommy sick is a scary thing.
I am learning that my battle isn't all going to be stubborn and strong. I'm down in the trenches of my blankets, letting my body use the energy it needs to fight from inside. And that is enough. Superwoman took a backseat this week, and not to be a backseat driver!
Sometimes it takes being in the trenches for a time to come out conquerer in the end. Take the time to take care of YOU. Let those around you be stubborn and strong for you for a time. Hang in there! You're in our prayers. Remember the Lord will carry the rest of the load when we have done all we can do. Keep smiling!
ReplyDeleteEleny and Grace
This is all par for the course. You will bounce right back when this is all done. Take it easy. If you're tired......SLEEP! It is scary for the kids. It's hard when you realize that Mom is human. ;-) Mom's get sick, but we also get better too, just like the kids do. Make a calander for the kids. It might help them to see where the end to this is. Number the days or the weeks so they can see the numbers getting smaller and smaller. Maybe plan a little party for the half way mark. Give the kids, and you, something to look forward to. Give the kids little awards for something they did to make things easier for you. We love you Jen. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteSusan
Hi Jen,
ReplyDeleteHope you're having a better day today, but mostly, I hope you're continuing to rest and let your body and the chemo do what they need to do. And the "superwoman" status? You've already earned a permanent membership in that club. You still are a superwoman, and you always will be. You are such an example of faith and hope and your perspective helps all of us who are around you and who read your blog understand better what this journey is like, what it's about. Jared and the kids are such an important part of this journey. Jared is your rock, and through his example of service and love, and through you allowing he and the kids to help you, to take care of you, they will learn invaluable lessons of love and compassion. And the bonds forged in adversity make those eternal bonds that much stronger. So for now, rest and let us, your family, friends, your fan club, help you with anything we can. We will ALL be better, kinder, more compassionate people becasue of your willingness to lets us travel this journey with you, even letting us carry you at times!
I love you Jen!
your favorite Aunt - what do you mean which one?? Your bestest Aunt Karen