Many of you are beginning to ask what is wrong with me because I am handling this all too well. I have been asked if I am just being strong for everyone else, etc. Rather than respond to each inquiry individually, I wanted to let everyone know how I am really doing and why.
What you see (and read) is what is really happening. I take my feelings as they come. From time to time, I do break down and have a good cry, but I get it out and move on. While coming home yesterday, I was surprised when Jared pulled into the garage and I started to cry at the thought of going in the house. In the hospital I was fine, but bringing my condition home with me was emotional. We tackled that as we have every step of this trial...we acknowledged the emotions and pain, and then jumped in. Once in the house, I was still me and all was well.
But "Why?", why does it work that way? Our family scripture study put us in some good chapters while I was at the hospital. In the Book of Mormon, Alma talks with his sons, giving them council,
"And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day."(Alma 38:5)
This is it. This is what I am doing, not half way but completly following it through. To have faith and put my trust in God means I have to let go, step back, and enjoy the blessing of being delivered.
I have to say, coming out of surgery was awful. I woke up in pain, I was covered with tubes and wires and people, and I quickly got clostrophobic and wanted to run. I couldn't take it, but I was stuck. Jared quickly stepped in, gently whispered in my ear as he has done so many times for me in childbirth, and refocused my attention. I was able to let go of what was before me, step back, and be delivered.
I have a firm belief that this life is not intended to go smoothly, that would be a waste of time. This life is for us to prepare to meet God. It is in trial that we are sanctified and become more like Jesus Christ. I am grateful for my trial, for cancer, and for what I will become because of it. The key in this is FAITH. I have a strong faith that has become so over time through obedience. I am not perfect, but I have tried to do what I have been commanded to do, and that has prepared me, and it has prepared my family. I'm not sitting here with regrets. I'm not sitting in fear. Life is good because I have chosen to see the good, and the good is real.