Peace of Mind

I love Sundays. Especially when it is a good as it was today. Everything seemed to touch me and have a message. Though the meetings were all wonderful, the last song in Relief Society (the women's meeting) touched me the most. It is a great explanation of the power by which I have fought my battle thus far. You can hear the song by going here.

When Faith Endures

I will not doubt, I will not fear.

God's love and strength are always near.
His promised gift helps me to find,
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His spirit guides, His love assures,
That fear departs, when faith endures.

Specifically what touched me today is the phrase...peace of mind. I truly have a peace of mind. Cancer, with all it ugliness, doesn't have power over my mind and heart. My Father in Heaven has promised me that I will survive, and "His promised gift helps me to find and inner strength and peace of mind" I can look at all that I must go through as another step in the fulfillment of that promise. I also was told that this trial is for my growth, and the growth of my family. Purpose is another powerful tool. By knowing the purpose, I can then focus on the growth I am to achieve.

I can see already that I am growing. I can also see growth in my family. I love who we are becoming. Cancer is already a blessing. I have desires to accomplish things now that I wouldn't have considered in the past.

My knowledge of spiritual things has grown. I have come to understand by experience that there is a language of the Spirit of God that is not understood or explained by any earthly language. My eyes couldn't not see God and tell my heart anymore than I already know by the Spirit. I can say that I KNOW God lives. I KNOW Jesus Christ suffered my pain and died for me, and that He lives today to carry me. I KNOW that this life is for us to become more refined and more faithful, more humble and more teachable, more like Jesus Christ in all His attributes.

Hair by Cancer, Strong by Choice

So my journey continues with cancer. The next new phase was the hair. The first step was making the call to my friend Marina to have it cut short. That call was a hard one to make. My hair represented a new lifestyle that Jared and I work hard on this summer with our running and eating healthy. The layers in my hair had grown out just enough to be able to pull all my hair back in a ponytail without clips. I loved it! I worked for it, and now cancer was taking it away.
Marina was wonderful at keeping me talking and distracted during the cut. Just what I needed. It was fun to catch up on the Wellsville happenings and the changes in ward boundaries in the 2 two years we've been gone.
So here I am with my cute short do.
I've had a few good weeks with my new hair do, having fun with a new look. And then came day 12 after my first chemo treatment. My hair began letting go. I could pull handfuls out at a time. Then I took a shower...and clog the drain...for 4 days in a row! Here is what I would have to clean out after each shower.
Friday I wore a scarf across the front of my hair to help hold it all in and not shed on the little first graders I work with. It was a fun sassy look to play with. Saturday I wore a hat to the mall, while we tried to find some appropriate scarves for church. We ended up at Joannes buying fabric. And that worked well.

Later that night we had a family hair shaving party. First I shaved Jordan and Jared's hair, cut Tia's and then everyone (minus Jordan who then fell asleep, deeply) cut and shaved my head. I was amazed at how it really didn't affect me. I have really come to find that I am not a vain person. There is more to this than loosing my femininity. In fact It's more about finding it.







This morning while getting ready for church, I took a good look at my bald head in the mirror and asked Jared why this wasn't bothering me. And then it hit me. I have seen pictures of women who are in this same battle, they are bald, they are fighting, and they are STRONG! And I have joined their ranks. Jared says it makes me look stronger, not weaker. That's how I feel. I am again awed by what I must go through, and the person that I am becoming through it. I am once again grateful for my cancer trial.

Here are Jared and I in our matching Sunday attire.



















Me with my boys and our matching hairdos.

Jen Blossoms

I thought I would report on how the first round of chemo has affected me as I count down the days to my second treatment on Thursday. If I have another repeat of the same side effects this next round, I will be a very happy patient.

The day of my first treatment, and the next few following hit me with a low level of nausea. As long as I kept food in my tummy, it never got bad. I had a regime of anti nausea drugs to take and another to take as needed. I never had the need to warrant taking any of the "as needed" pills.

I did have various pains through out my body. It's as if the chemo drugs are in one lump and travel from place to place affecting here a little and there a little. I also had a cold feeling deep inside for the first couple days. It didn't matter how warm I was on the outside, I was cold inside.

The biggest issue has been what feels like a chemical burn on my scalp. It started Monday morning when I woke up feeling like I had a tight little pony-tail on the front right side of my head all night. Problem was, there was no pony-tail to take out and relieve the pain. The rest of the day, more painful spots covered my head till my entire scalp burned. Tuesday the burn spread to the inside of my mouth and then from my ankles to my thighs. I thought by Wednesday morning I would be burning head to toe, and that just about did my stubborn and strong attitude in. However I slept well and woke up with only the burning scalp. That I can handle.

My energy level has been good. I have taken care to rest, and nap when possible, after school each day, but I have been able to do just about everything I have wanted to. Saturday we went to SLC and walked around the car show for a few hours and then to IKEA. I forgot my pedometer, I really wanted to know how far I walked. Regardless, my energy stayed up throughout the day, but I sure had one good long nap on the ride home!

The burn on my scalp has eased, but not before also turning into pimples all through my hair, across by upper back and chest...and moving to my face. And thus, My Jen Blossoms. Gin blossoms usually happen with drinking alcohol...mine from my chemo cocktail...but Jen Blossoms none the less.

First Chemo Cocktail Party

So the day started out heavy and emotional. I no longer feared the chemo or the unknown so much. The reality of being a cancer patient, however, was showing it's weight again. As my cancer manifesto states...other people get cancer. Not me. But I have it.... And now I get to be sick from it.

Jared drove me to the appointment. We sat in the waiting room together...waiting. It was plenty of time to lay my head on his shoulder...then he wrapped his arm around my shoulder...then I cried on his shoulder. The receptionist came over to ask a question, and caught us. She caught my tears. She was very sensitive and understood how heavy this next step can be. Then she promised they would take good care of me, and that they did.

Finally they called my name and back we went for vitals, clean and tap into my port, and take some blood. They have a cream to help numb the port sight for the needle poke, but it takes 45 minutes to work. I have it now for upcoming visits. For today I got the numbing freeze spray like is used for having a wart removed. Though it had it's own sting, I am grateful for it. It took all but the last bit of the poke away, and that was enough to know I don't want to do it natural.

I then was moved in for the cocktail party. We went to a round room lined with recliners and IV poles. I chose a comfy brown chair and settled in with Jared by my side. Julie, my nurse, started me out with Benedryl and Steroid shots in the IV...and then came the first bag...Adriamycin...Kool Aid as it is called by some nurses...and Red Devil as it is called by the patients who have felt it's fury. Among causing the hair loss, it is also responsible for low blood counts, mouth sores, and discolored nails and urine. (I never knew cancer was so colorful...in the hospital I peed turquoise and now I have peed red).

As I was all settled, Jared headed back to work for a meeting. For the duration of the time, I sat in the room with about 6 other patients. They all were older than I except for one Downs Syndrome young man named Gary. He was wrapped pretty tightly in a blanket with his mother right by his side the whole time. He seemed pretty low. I never heard one noise from him. Knowing my cousin Scotty, Downs kids love to talk and pull others to them. Turns out, this was his last chemo treatment. It was quite the party with his parents, sister, and the nurses. Everyone was celebrating, but Gary. I think he just wanted have this yuck, that he didn't understand, to go away and never come back.

The other patients didn't seem to have the energy or desire to say much as well. It was interesting being in a room as the youngest patient (at least after Gary got to go home). It just reminded me of the uniqueness of the timing of my cancer. Please, all my family and friends, do your self exams. Husbands of these great women...check them yourselves if you have to! The government and their panel of "experts" aren't interested anymore...don't let that stop you! And don't let the fear of finding a lump stop you!

After the Red Devil came a clear chemo drug IV, Cytoxan. It too causes hair loss, but not so bad on the other side effects. What I did notice toward the end of the bag was a numbing of the tip of my tongue and the very center of my top and bottom lip. Since then I have had this cold feeling inside my body, even when plenty warm on the outside. I also have had achy elbows. The nausea did hit after my nap, but not enough to cause eruptions of any kind. When dinner was brought in by our dear Relief Society Presidency, I realized my tummy was empty and just might do better if it had a bit of food. The gamble paid off. Dinner was wonderful and I have been feeling great! So much so, I am full of energy but need to go to bed!

After the chemo treatments were done, Jared came and got me. He had a plate of melon and strawberries for me, which tasted wonderful. We then went and picked up my prescriptions to start my own pharmacy here at home. I have always had a little pride that I have not had much beyond vitamins to take in my life. I am humble yet again.

We survived the day. I plan to go to work tomorrow and stick with my plans until something I can't get over, under, or around stops me. Life is good and I don't intend to miss it!