Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It's Been Too Long


I'm not even sure where to begin. It has been so long since I have updated. I went through a time of being tired of cancer and I didn't want to deal with anything I didn't have to, including blogging. I will try and fill in the blanks over the next few weeks.

I have completed the aggressive cancer treatments! Who-hoo! I am amazed at what has happened to me over the last 8 months. And even more amazed at the fact that I am now considered a cancer survivor. To be a survivor, one has to have had cancer. I have had cancer. That is huge. I thought cancer was something bigger than I am. Something that couldn't happen to me because I wouldn't know what to do. I thought it would consume me. Cancer though, isn't picky. It got me anyway. But it didn't consume me. I AM BIGGER THAN CANCER. I beat it! I am here. I am living.

Chemo was hard. It hurt. It affected my body in ways I had no idea were even connected. I am 15 weeks post chemo and still struggle with the pain and fatigue.
Radiation was much easier for me than the chemo. My skin held up quite well for the first 4 weeks. The last two weeks I began to burn, but even that was nothing compared to the chemo effects.

A few weeks post radiation I began to get some energy back. The kids an I spent some days doing yard work and I got back to running/walking in the mornings. I felt like I was getting my life back again. It felt so good! However I began to hurt. I thought it first was just my weak muscles trying to gain strength, but the pain was more than that. It was the same pain I felt with Taxol; the deep muscle and bone pain. I pushed it for a few days, hoping to just work through it. The pain and fatigue only got worse. I talked with the nurses at the cancer center and was told I had to slow down. The chemo is still in my body and my body is still fighting.

I thought I was done. I thought I could start living for me. But I am still fighting for me. Fighting for my life. I am learning that I must be still, be patient. If I push in any small increment, I am tired and hurting the next day. All day. I've been told it will take two seasons to feel myself again and have the strength to push the way I want to. That means not until Christmas.
Christmas. A holiday that holds deep meaning for me. I had an experience about 6 years ago, just before Christmas, where I gained a deep understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Not an understanding of the mind, but of my spirit and my heart. I gained my spiritual life back in a way I didn't know I needed. This Christmas I will have gained a deeper understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ for my physical life. For I know that He suffered not just for my sins, but for my pains. He knows what I have suffered this year because he once felt what I have suffered.

4 comments:

  1. You are so strong! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your journey with cancer. Please let me know if you'd still like to do a photo session!

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  2. Glad to hear from you again. I appreciate everything you say. Love you.

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  3. Jen, You are the strong person that I would love to be. I will always look up to you for strength and support. Thank you for your words of inspiration. Love you!

    Bette

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  4. Hey Jen!
    Your cousin here, to bother you again about updating. I was just wondering what your hair looks like now. Is it growing back? Is it staying short, or are you keeping it short?
    I hope you are feeling better. What do you notice about your recovery lately?
    Update when you can.
    From your Glenn Beck loving cousin. (Somehow I know you love me just the same!)

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