A dear friend of mine recently sent me an email message with the text from another cancer blog. It is titled, "Don't Waste Your Cancer" and I couldn't agree with it more. I wanted to re-post it here as the message is so good. Not all of us will have to personally fight cancer but we will ALL have trials of our own. As you read, I ask you to replace the word "cancer" with the personal trial you have or are now facing.
I had a friend of mine die a few months ago from cancer... his wife posted this the other day and I just had to share it with you...
1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.
2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.
3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.
4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.
5. You will waste your cancer if you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.
6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.
7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.
8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.
9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.
10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.
Powerful insight. I believe this life is less about living as long as we can and more about learning to follow God's will for us. I know He loves each one of His children. We are His children. He can make more of the years we have in this life than we can. I believe it is through our trials that we grow to be like Him and overcome those things that hold us back from true happiness. I look back to my time with cancer as a positive experience because I didn't waste it. I have had a good life. A hard life, but a good life. Let us not waste our trials...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
A Year
October 30, 2009 I spent the evening in the emergency room with heart attack symptoms. This year I couldn't help but be grateful for that night. I was set on the path to finding my stage 3 aggressive breast cancer and today I am living and better than I was a year ago.
Chest pain started part way through the day on Friday. I took a pain pill to be able to make it through the day. I was the Parent Organization President (like PTA President) and we had fall class parties to pull off. I felt a big responsibility to stay at school despite how I was feeling. As the last hour of the day neared and the parties began, I made my way around the school to check on each class and how things were going. The pain I was feeling had spread through my chest, down my left arm...all the typical heart attack symptoms. I tried to rationalize the pain, but was getting more and more scared. What added to the fear was that my father had died a year younger than I was at that time of a heart aneurysm. I thought I might be headed for the same thing.
After talking with Jared he decided we were going in, first to the insta-care and then to the emergency room. I had multiple EKG's, X-rays, blood tests... and nothing, no reason for the chest pain. I was released from the hospital to follow-up with my family doctor. My family doctor canceled three appointments on me while I was still having my chest pain! I was so frustrated by the last cancellation phone call that I called my gynecologist in tears not knowing what else to do. She told me to get into her office and she could at least start looking into the problem and figure out what I needed to do. As we talked, I remembered a spot on my right breast I had found. It didn't seem like what I understood cancer to feel like, but since we were looking into everything, I had her check it. She thought the same thing, that it wasn't really a concern, but she had me. For a couple of years she had been suggesting I go in for a baseline mammogram, now she could get me to do it. Because she could send it in as a diagnostic, I got an appointment right away rather than the typical 6 weeks. (Interesting enough, the chest pain subsided once the mammogram was scheduled. My first miracle).
I had a 7:00 am mammogram appointment. I didn't have to be at work until 8:30, so I didn't bother to get a sub. I figured I would be done in time and would get to school on time with no problem. I remember feeling very nervous, but the mammogram center was so calm and peaceful I relaxed and even enjoyed the experience, at least at first. The initial films were made and the radiologist left the room to check with the doctor. She came back in and said the doctor requested a few more films. I like be thorough, this was good. Then the films turned to needing an ultrasound and then a long wait. By this time I was going to be late for work and my cell phone had died. (What a day to have forgotten to charge my phone). Soon I was called back to meet with the doctor.
I walked in to a long narrow office. The room was dark. Large computer monitors lined the desk that spanned the length of the room and provided the only light. The doctor sat with his back to me at first as he looked at all the films of my breast before him. He introduced himself as Dr Mortensen and invited me to sit down in a chair facing the monitors. I sat looking at the images, dark with brilliant star like spots. They were pretty, just like star gazing on dark clear night. I was told that those "stars" were breast cancer, 5 tumors.
Just like that. I had cancer. I was stunned and not sure how to react. Then just as quickly as I heard the word C A N C E R, I felt at peace. The peace that only comes from One who has felt the pain of all the world and overcome. I felt instantly held by my Savior, Jesus Christ and I decided right then that this was in His hands and I would submit myself to His will.
I then needed to have a biopsy performed to be sure. There was a biopsy appointment cancellation so I was able to get in later that same day and with Dr. Mortensen performing the biopsy. It was nice to be able to have the same team work with me through the whole day's process.
I left the women's center and walked to the van. By that time I was numb. I somehow made my way home and called Jared at work. He came home right away and spent the rest of the day with me, taking me to the biopsy, holding my hand and hugging me close.
It was soon time to pick up the kids at school. We brought them home and called them to the living room, a room where we have read scriptures, prayed and gain strength from each others testimonies. Now it was time to put that faith to work. We talked about cancer and we cried and cried some more. Then we decided we would laugh. We would cry when we needed to, but we would laugh.
A bit later the phone rang. Jared answered it and then handed it to me to talk. As he did so, he said that the phone was going to die (the battery was low). Tia, without skipping a beat, said... "Dad, did you say the phone was going to die, or Mom was going to die?" Everyone paused and looked at me to see how I would react. I began laughing and told Tia that her joke was exactly what we needed. That set the tone. Nothing was off limits to joke about. We told our children everything along the way and gave them power to help us get through this together as a family.
A year ago I had chest pain. It led to a diagnosis I never would have asked for, but am so grateful for now. Heavenly Father is very aware of each of us and knows just what we need. It is up to us as to how we will handle it and what we will allow Him to make of or lives. It's amazing what a year can do...
Chest pain started part way through the day on Friday. I took a pain pill to be able to make it through the day. I was the Parent Organization President (like PTA President) and we had fall class parties to pull off. I felt a big responsibility to stay at school despite how I was feeling. As the last hour of the day neared and the parties began, I made my way around the school to check on each class and how things were going. The pain I was feeling had spread through my chest, down my left arm...all the typical heart attack symptoms. I tried to rationalize the pain, but was getting more and more scared. What added to the fear was that my father had died a year younger than I was at that time of a heart aneurysm. I thought I might be headed for the same thing.
After talking with Jared he decided we were going in, first to the insta-care and then to the emergency room. I had multiple EKG's, X-rays, blood tests... and nothing, no reason for the chest pain. I was released from the hospital to follow-up with my family doctor. My family doctor canceled three appointments on me while I was still having my chest pain! I was so frustrated by the last cancellation phone call that I called my gynecologist in tears not knowing what else to do. She told me to get into her office and she could at least start looking into the problem and figure out what I needed to do. As we talked, I remembered a spot on my right breast I had found. It didn't seem like what I understood cancer to feel like, but since we were looking into everything, I had her check it. She thought the same thing, that it wasn't really a concern, but she had me. For a couple of years she had been suggesting I go in for a baseline mammogram, now she could get me to do it. Because she could send it in as a diagnostic, I got an appointment right away rather than the typical 6 weeks. (Interesting enough, the chest pain subsided once the mammogram was scheduled. My first miracle).
I had a 7:00 am mammogram appointment. I didn't have to be at work until 8:30, so I didn't bother to get a sub. I figured I would be done in time and would get to school on time with no problem. I remember feeling very nervous, but the mammogram center was so calm and peaceful I relaxed and even enjoyed the experience, at least at first. The initial films were made and the radiologist left the room to check with the doctor. She came back in and said the doctor requested a few more films. I like be thorough, this was good. Then the films turned to needing an ultrasound and then a long wait. By this time I was going to be late for work and my cell phone had died. (What a day to have forgotten to charge my phone). Soon I was called back to meet with the doctor.
I walked in to a long narrow office. The room was dark. Large computer monitors lined the desk that spanned the length of the room and provided the only light. The doctor sat with his back to me at first as he looked at all the films of my breast before him. He introduced himself as Dr Mortensen and invited me to sit down in a chair facing the monitors. I sat looking at the images, dark with brilliant star like spots. They were pretty, just like star gazing on dark clear night. I was told that those "stars" were breast cancer, 5 tumors.
Just like that. I had cancer. I was stunned and not sure how to react. Then just as quickly as I heard the word C A N C E R, I felt at peace. The peace that only comes from One who has felt the pain of all the world and overcome. I felt instantly held by my Savior, Jesus Christ and I decided right then that this was in His hands and I would submit myself to His will.
I then needed to have a biopsy performed to be sure. There was a biopsy appointment cancellation so I was able to get in later that same day and with Dr. Mortensen performing the biopsy. It was nice to be able to have the same team work with me through the whole day's process.
I left the women's center and walked to the van. By that time I was numb. I somehow made my way home and called Jared at work. He came home right away and spent the rest of the day with me, taking me to the biopsy, holding my hand and hugging me close.
It was soon time to pick up the kids at school. We brought them home and called them to the living room, a room where we have read scriptures, prayed and gain strength from each others testimonies. Now it was time to put that faith to work. We talked about cancer and we cried and cried some more. Then we decided we would laugh. We would cry when we needed to, but we would laugh.
A bit later the phone rang. Jared answered it and then handed it to me to talk. As he did so, he said that the phone was going to die (the battery was low). Tia, without skipping a beat, said... "Dad, did you say the phone was going to die, or Mom was going to die?" Everyone paused and looked at me to see how I would react. I began laughing and told Tia that her joke was exactly what we needed. That set the tone. Nothing was off limits to joke about. We told our children everything along the way and gave them power to help us get through this together as a family.
A year ago I had chest pain. It led to a diagnosis I never would have asked for, but am so grateful for now. Heavenly Father is very aware of each of us and knows just what we need. It is up to us as to how we will handle it and what we will allow Him to make of or lives. It's amazing what a year can do...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
It's Been Too Long
I'm not even sure where to begin. It has been so long since I have updated. I went through a time of being tired of cancer and I didn't want to deal with anything I didn't have to, including blogging. I will try and fill in the blanks over the next few weeks.
I have completed the aggressive cancer treatments! Who-hoo! I am amazed at what has happened to me over the last 8 months. And even more amazed at the fact that I am now considered a cancer survivor. To be a survivor, one has to have had cancer. I have had cancer. That is huge. I thought cancer was something bigger than I am. Something that couldn't happen to me because I wouldn't know what to do. I thought it would consume me. Cancer though, isn't picky. It got me anyway. But it didn't consume me. I AM BIGGER THAN CANCER. I beat it! I am here. I am living.
Chemo was hard. It hurt. It affected my body in ways I had no idea were even connected. I am 15 weeks post chemo and still struggle with the pain and fatigue.
Radiation was much easier for me than the chemo. My skin held up quite well for the first 4 weeks. The last two weeks I began to burn, but even that was nothing compared to the chemo effects.
A few weeks post radiation I began to get some energy back. The kids an I spent some days doing yard work and I got back to running/walking in the mornings. I felt like I was getting my life back again. It felt so good! However I began to hurt. I thought it first was just my weak muscles trying to gain strength, but the pain was more than that. It was the same pain I felt with Taxol; the deep muscle and bone pain. I pushed it for a few days, hoping to just work through it. The pain and fatigue only got worse. I talked with the nurses at the cancer center and was told I had to slow down. The chemo is still in my body and my body is still fighting.
I thought I was done. I thought I could start living for me. But I am still fighting for me. Fighting for my life. I am learning that I must be still, be patient. If I push in any small increment, I am tired and hurting the next day. All day. I've been told it will take two seasons to feel myself again and have the strength to push the way I want to. That means not until Christmas.
Christmas. A holiday that holds deep meaning for me. I had an experience about 6 years ago, just before Christmas, where I gained a deep understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Not an understanding of the mind, but of my spirit and my heart. I gained my spiritual life back in a way I didn't know I needed. This Christmas I will have gained a deeper understanding of the Atonement of Jesus Christ for my physical life. For I know that He suffered not just for my sins, but for my pains. He knows what I have suffered this year because he once felt what I have suffered.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thank-you Grandpa
Cancer has given me an increased amount of time to sit and think. I have pondered the meaning of trials in our lives, from a variety of angles. Recently I spent time with my mom and two of my aunts. They reminded me of something my Grandpa used to do.
For years, while their children were young, Grandpa used to pray that his family would have "interesting lives". Grandma didn't take to this request too kindly, knowing that Heavenly Father's idea of "interesting lives" could be quite different than theirs. As their children have left home to have families of their own, and now the next generation has begun to do the same...lives have become interesting. Grandpa, who now stands with Grandma in the next life, watches as his petition is answered on the heads of his family. He is unable to defend himself as his children jokingly mock him for the trials they are blessed to endure.
Interesting lives. I wish I could talk to Grandpa and find out what his intentions were. What did he want for his children? Grandpa loved life. He loved fishing, from shallow lakes in the mountains to the depths of the ocean. He loved traveling the roads on his Honda Gold Wing or his Ford Falcon, or his RV, with Grandma right beside him. And the only thing that made it all better was experiencing it with his family. Family was his motivation for everything. And for them, he wanted "interesting lives".
Looking back over my life, it has been anything but easy. Interesting might describe it. Having lost one brother to cancer and one to a car accident, my Father to heart problems, my Grandma to cancer, and my Grandpa to Dementia related to Parkinson, while having gained a (step) Father as a teenager, not to mention the many trials my own actions landed me in, perspective is something I feel I have gained. I have learned and grown stronger as a result. On the up side, I was able to live and struggle with college room mates and missionary companions, adjust to being married just months after returning home from a mission, and having 4 children in the first 5 years of marriage. All blessings, and again all ways to struggle and grow.
And now I sit here, with what may be the trial of my life. Cancer. Where would I be now, without the "interesting life" of my past to strengthen me? And there begins my new understanding of trials. We need them. We need them so much more than we need an easy life. Our Heavenly Father's full purpose in us being here is to give us every opportunity to become like he is. He wants us to return to Him, and continue to grow and learn and have every opportunity He has. The more we gain in this life, the better off we will be in the life to come. He has promised us that he will not give us more than we can handle, but he will push us, and try us, and test us. As we turn to Jesus Christ, and rely on His strength and love for us, we can accomplish even more.
So thank-you Grandpa. Thank-you for wanting more for us. Thank-you for having the faith to ask, and the understanding to know it is for our good.
For years, while their children were young, Grandpa used to pray that his family would have "interesting lives". Grandma didn't take to this request too kindly, knowing that Heavenly Father's idea of "interesting lives" could be quite different than theirs. As their children have left home to have families of their own, and now the next generation has begun to do the same...lives have become interesting. Grandpa, who now stands with Grandma in the next life, watches as his petition is answered on the heads of his family. He is unable to defend himself as his children jokingly mock him for the trials they are blessed to endure.
Interesting lives. I wish I could talk to Grandpa and find out what his intentions were. What did he want for his children? Grandpa loved life. He loved fishing, from shallow lakes in the mountains to the depths of the ocean. He loved traveling the roads on his Honda Gold Wing or his Ford Falcon, or his RV, with Grandma right beside him. And the only thing that made it all better was experiencing it with his family. Family was his motivation for everything. And for them, he wanted "interesting lives".
Looking back over my life, it has been anything but easy. Interesting might describe it. Having lost one brother to cancer and one to a car accident, my Father to heart problems, my Grandma to cancer, and my Grandpa to Dementia related to Parkinson, while having gained a (step) Father as a teenager, not to mention the many trials my own actions landed me in, perspective is something I feel I have gained. I have learned and grown stronger as a result. On the up side, I was able to live and struggle with college room mates and missionary companions, adjust to being married just months after returning home from a mission, and having 4 children in the first 5 years of marriage. All blessings, and again all ways to struggle and grow.
And now I sit here, with what may be the trial of my life. Cancer. Where would I be now, without the "interesting life" of my past to strengthen me? And there begins my new understanding of trials. We need them. We need them so much more than we need an easy life. Our Heavenly Father's full purpose in us being here is to give us every opportunity to become like he is. He wants us to return to Him, and continue to grow and learn and have every opportunity He has. The more we gain in this life, the better off we will be in the life to come. He has promised us that he will not give us more than we can handle, but he will push us, and try us, and test us. As we turn to Jesus Christ, and rely on His strength and love for us, we can accomplish even more.
So thank-you Grandpa. Thank-you for wanting more for us. Thank-you for having the faith to ask, and the understanding to know it is for our good.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Beware of the Clear Devil
It's been far too long since I've posted anything. I'm sorry. That is in part to how I have been feeling. I have started a new chemo drug, Taxol, that is taking everything I've got. I thought Red Devil was bad...meet the Clear Devil. It's sneaky!
So what is different?
Bone Pain...deep bone pain. Imagine the pain of spraining both your ankles. Then have that same pain radiate up your legs to your hips and settle there. That's how I felt with the first dose. That's when I went back on pain meds. I (now) like pain pills...and fortunately they like me. The second dose, that same pain went from my hips and up, with sparks of pain in my legs and ankles. More pain meds.
Chemo Induced Neuropathy...continues from Red Devil. My hands first burned and itched, which we realized was the chemo breaking through the skin. One weekend when I was down in bed, Jared brought a bowl of fresh water for me to rinse my hands, every hour. (Yes, I have a good husband. The first time he rinsed the bowl out with water using his bare hands. His hands began to burn!) From there the neuropathy causes the fingers to swell and tingle and HURT. That goes along with the blistering and peeling of the skin. Now I have the pain concentrated in my fingertips and I have yellow, red, and purple fingernails that are becoming grossly misshaped . My feet are just a step behind in going through the same phases. I have to wear crocs or other thick soled shoes to be able to walk. My feet are peeling and my nails are beginning to have the same lovely manicure. The fun of it all is that I have started over with my hands burning...starting the whole process all over again. Some days I haven't been able to dress myself. Simple tasks like filing papers at school have become impossible. Holding on to the steering wheel is painful. Even trying to turn pages, or pick things up, or open containers is a huge challenge.
Toxic Tears...I tear most of the time now. And these are chemo laced tears. Sometimes I'm crying, but most of the time I look like I am. The edges of my eyelids are sore and burning. I am enduring my second sty, and I never used to get sties. Sometimes my eyes are glued shut in the morning. But there is no eye infection. No germs could live in these eyes! I am just hoping to hold on to my eye lashes. Please, just hold on!
Nose Drips...When I was told I would loose my hair, I thought of the hair on my head, maybe my eyelashes and eyebrows...of course thrilled to loose arm pit and leg hair....but I didn't think about the nose hairs! And I wouldn't have thought of what that would do. Have you ever had a runny nose? Have you ever had it for 3 months straight? Have you ever had it for 3 months with out nose hair? I was never grateful for nose hair. I am now. Those little growths we try so hard not to let show have a vital purpose. THEY SLOW DOWN THE DRIPS!!! Chemo had cleared my sinuses and it keeps clearing them. I have a constant flow...of clear liquid...from my nose. Agh! I can't go anywhere or do anything without a supply of tissues. They are in my pockets, my purse, my bags, my coats, my car, my everything! And at least one it my hand, constantly. Oh yes, I am grateful for tissues too!
Fatigue...Not that I didn't have fatigue on Red Devil, but this is constant. I don't fully bounce back like I did before. Gone are the days where I felt close to human again, if only for a few days. My body now is heavy all the time. I fight the impulse to daydream about my bed constantly. Or if I am home, to just crawl in and sleep for the day, and the next day, and the next...
I'd tell you more...but I can't remember...Oh yes, Chemo Brain! That has been a constant. I forget words or thoughts, or even whole conversations. Now, I did this before cancer, but now it's really gone. I have no connections in my brain to even dig for the missing information. It's a barren wasteland of blank, of nothingness. Gone!
I am amazed at how cancer has a way of getting into every part, every nook-n-cranny of life. Each day it's something new. But despite it all, I am grateful for the journey. I would have never known the depth of this disease. I would have never have known the heights of being carried in the midst of this disease. I would have never known my Savior with the intensity that I know HIM...without this disease. Now I KNOW....
So what is different?
Bone Pain...deep bone pain. Imagine the pain of spraining both your ankles. Then have that same pain radiate up your legs to your hips and settle there. That's how I felt with the first dose. That's when I went back on pain meds. I (now) like pain pills...and fortunately they like me. The second dose, that same pain went from my hips and up, with sparks of pain in my legs and ankles. More pain meds.
Chemo Induced Neuropathy...continues from Red Devil. My hands first burned and itched, which we realized was the chemo breaking through the skin. One weekend when I was down in bed, Jared brought a bowl of fresh water for me to rinse my hands, every hour. (Yes, I have a good husband. The first time he rinsed the bowl out with water using his bare hands. His hands began to burn!) From there the neuropathy causes the fingers to swell and tingle and HURT. That goes along with the blistering and peeling of the skin. Now I have the pain concentrated in my fingertips and I have yellow, red, and purple fingernails that are becoming grossly misshaped . My feet are just a step behind in going through the same phases. I have to wear crocs or other thick soled shoes to be able to walk. My feet are peeling and my nails are beginning to have the same lovely manicure. The fun of it all is that I have started over with my hands burning...starting the whole process all over again. Some days I haven't been able to dress myself. Simple tasks like filing papers at school have become impossible. Holding on to the steering wheel is painful. Even trying to turn pages, or pick things up, or open containers is a huge challenge.
Toxic Tears...I tear most of the time now. And these are chemo laced tears. Sometimes I'm crying, but most of the time I look like I am. The edges of my eyelids are sore and burning. I am enduring my second sty, and I never used to get sties. Sometimes my eyes are glued shut in the morning. But there is no eye infection. No germs could live in these eyes! I am just hoping to hold on to my eye lashes. Please, just hold on!
Nose Drips...When I was told I would loose my hair, I thought of the hair on my head, maybe my eyelashes and eyebrows...of course thrilled to loose arm pit and leg hair....but I didn't think about the nose hairs! And I wouldn't have thought of what that would do. Have you ever had a runny nose? Have you ever had it for 3 months straight? Have you ever had it for 3 months with out nose hair? I was never grateful for nose hair. I am now. Those little growths we try so hard not to let show have a vital purpose. THEY SLOW DOWN THE DRIPS!!! Chemo had cleared my sinuses and it keeps clearing them. I have a constant flow...of clear liquid...from my nose. Agh! I can't go anywhere or do anything without a supply of tissues. They are in my pockets, my purse, my bags, my coats, my car, my everything! And at least one it my hand, constantly. Oh yes, I am grateful for tissues too!
Fatigue...Not that I didn't have fatigue on Red Devil, but this is constant. I don't fully bounce back like I did before. Gone are the days where I felt close to human again, if only for a few days. My body now is heavy all the time. I fight the impulse to daydream about my bed constantly. Or if I am home, to just crawl in and sleep for the day, and the next day, and the next...
I'd tell you more...but I can't remember...Oh yes, Chemo Brain! That has been a constant. I forget words or thoughts, or even whole conversations. Now, I did this before cancer, but now it's really gone. I have no connections in my brain to even dig for the missing information. It's a barren wasteland of blank, of nothingness. Gone!
I am amazed at how cancer has a way of getting into every part, every nook-n-cranny of life. Each day it's something new. But despite it all, I am grateful for the journey. I would have never known the depth of this disease. I would have never have known the heights of being carried in the midst of this disease. I would have never known my Savior with the intensity that I know HIM...without this disease. Now I KNOW....
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Bands Were Loosed
Whoohoo! I had my last treatment of the Red Devil today! Only 4 treatments left of Taxol and Chemo will be over. I can say good bye to the side affects!
While it definately hasn't been fun, chemo has not been as bad as I had anticipated. I have wondered why. How is it possible? This is chemo!! I lost my hair. I'm nauseous. I'm fatigued. I have random aches and pains throughout my body. How is it that I am so positive and happy?
An answer came to me today during treatment as I was reading from the Book of Mormon. Nephi is commanded to go with his brother from the wilderness, back to Jerusalem to get Ishmael and his family and bring them along. On the way back to the wilderness, his brothers start murmuring again and want to stay in Jerusalem. Nephi explains that the city will be destroyed because of wickedness. His brothers get angry with Nephi.
16 And it came to pass that when I, Nephi, had spoken these words unto my brethren, they were angry with me. And it came to pass that they did lay their hands upon me, for behold, they were exceedingly wroth, and they did bind me with cords, for they sought to take away my life, that they might leave me in the wilderness to be devoured by wild beasts.
While it definately hasn't been fun, chemo has not been as bad as I had anticipated. I have wondered why. How is it possible? This is chemo!! I lost my hair. I'm nauseous. I'm fatigued. I have random aches and pains throughout my body. How is it that I am so positive and happy?
An answer came to me today during treatment as I was reading from the Book of Mormon. Nephi is commanded to go with his brother from the wilderness, back to Jerusalem to get Ishmael and his family and bring them along. On the way back to the wilderness, his brothers start murmuring again and want to stay in Jerusalem. Nephi explains that the city will be destroyed because of wickedness. His brothers get angry with Nephi.
16 And it came to pass that when I, Nephi, had spoken these words unto my brethren, they were angry with me. And it came to pass that they did lay their hands upon me, for behold, they were exceedingly wroth, and they did bind me with cords, for they sought to take away my life, that they might leave me in the wilderness to be devoured by wild beasts.
17 But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound.
18 And it came to pass that when I had said these words, behold, the bands were loosed from off my feet, and I stood before my brethren, and I spake unto them again. (1 Nephi 7:17-18)
According to Nephi's faith in Jesus Christ, the band were loosed and he was able to complete the task given him. Nephi prayed to have the strength to loose the bands himself. That was not how his prayer was answered. The bands were loosed FOR him, according to his faith. I know I can't loose the bands of chemo myself. I too have been given a task and a trial to go through. Because of my faith is Jesus Christ, my bands have been loosed, or lightened, that I am able to bare them. Chemo is taking me to the very end of what I can physically bare, but spiritually I have never been stronger.
I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live. I know they are very aware of me, more so than I have ever felt it before. Each stage of this trial solidifies that knowledge, deeper and stronger. My bands have been loosed.
According to Nephi's faith in Jesus Christ, the band were loosed and he was able to complete the task given him. Nephi prayed to have the strength to loose the bands himself. That was not how his prayer was answered. The bands were loosed FOR him, according to his faith. I know I can't loose the bands of chemo myself. I too have been given a task and a trial to go through. Because of my faith is Jesus Christ, my bands have been loosed, or lightened, that I am able to bare them. Chemo is taking me to the very end of what I can physically bare, but spiritually I have never been stronger.
I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live. I know they are very aware of me, more so than I have ever felt it before. Each stage of this trial solidifies that knowledge, deeper and stronger. My bands have been loosed.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Loving the Hills
So the more people that know about a goal, the more likely you are to keep with it. I decided this weekend that I would start going out in the morning with Jared and Amily as they do their 1/2 marathon training. Exercise is one of the best ways to fight the fatigue and I also will be switching to my new chemo drug in 3 weeks which can affect the heart. That is two reasons to get out and get as strong as I can. I do my own route and then we meet them back at the end to walk up the hill back home together.
I started this morning with them. Well, I watch them run ahead of me...speed isn't what I am going for...just getting out there and moving is good right now. I did one of my favorite routes from the summer. It's a weave to the south that involves a few hills. I love hills much more than flats (running that is, not breasts....I'm a 50/50 split on those). I love running the hills and feeling the push to get to the top. This morning I started on the first hill as a test to see if I could still do it. I started up and soon my lungs were starting to give me trouble as they did in the summer. Then the song "Pink Warrior" started on my Ipod (thanks D. for telling me about the song!) That gave me a bit of a push and I remembered a podcast I had listen to by Elder and Sister Dalton. They talked about running together, and as a family, and how their experiences made them stronger for life. One experience they shared was when they were running together on a hill and Sister Dalton wanted to stop. She told her husband and he said "You never make decisions on the hill, keep pushing". They made it to the top and she was stronger for it. I pushed to the top of my hill this morning and it felt so good.
Some days, I won't be able to make it out. I know that. I will have to listen to my body every step of the way. When I can push, I will push. When I need sleep I will sleep. But I am young, I am strong, and I intend to stay that way. Well, I intend to stay strong...age is another story I suppose. Why is it we always feel younger inside than what the calendar says? I suppose it's just another hill.
I love the hills. Running them. Fighting them. Making it to the top. I love it.
I started this morning with them. Well, I watch them run ahead of me...speed isn't what I am going for...just getting out there and moving is good right now. I did one of my favorite routes from the summer. It's a weave to the south that involves a few hills. I love hills much more than flats (running that is, not breasts....I'm a 50/50 split on those). I love running the hills and feeling the push to get to the top. This morning I started on the first hill as a test to see if I could still do it. I started up and soon my lungs were starting to give me trouble as they did in the summer. Then the song "Pink Warrior" started on my Ipod (thanks D. for telling me about the song!) That gave me a bit of a push and I remembered a podcast I had listen to by Elder and Sister Dalton. They talked about running together, and as a family, and how their experiences made them stronger for life. One experience they shared was when they were running together on a hill and Sister Dalton wanted to stop. She told her husband and he said "You never make decisions on the hill, keep pushing". They made it to the top and she was stronger for it. I pushed to the top of my hill this morning and it felt so good.
Some days, I won't be able to make it out. I know that. I will have to listen to my body every step of the way. When I can push, I will push. When I need sleep I will sleep. But I am young, I am strong, and I intend to stay that way. Well, I intend to stay strong...age is another story I suppose. Why is it we always feel younger inside than what the calendar says? I suppose it's just another hill.
I love the hills. Running them. Fighting them. Making it to the top. I love it.
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